My friend Katie mentioned to me in a short conversation we had the other day (I on my carpet in my house with my babe, she at the airport enroute to Paris for a vacation with her husband), that she had heard having kids meant there would be a 'funeral of self' and a mourning period as one's life changes. It is funny, she is not a mom herself, but I don't think anyone had said anything so true.
Now, I return to the fact that I love my son and husband in a very DNA embedded way, as if they are a part of me and always have been in in tangible ways, even before I knew them. When I met them both it was just very natural that they belong to me. HOWEVER, I have an independent streak in me the size of an ocean and just as lonely as one and some days the waves of my old life just lap against my current day to day.
I think I feel this most with my daily schedule. Everything is scheduled- when to eat, when to sleep, bowel movements (of the babies of course, but who doesn't ensure they are regular themselves? be honest). The commute start time, time to get the babe to the nanny, time to get to work, when to get coffee and I am not even going in to when there is time to shower and eat. My day is then scheduled in 30 minute increments. Sometimes I leave the office and didn't have time to use the restroom all day. I have to get up from my desk no matter what is going on and leave at 5 p.m. to pick up the babe and start the long journey home. I typically hold a minimum of 2 conference calls from my car a day with my babe in the back seat- working to make the most of my time. My day starts at 5:15 am and ends around 10 pm and about 90% of it is heavily scheduled. Like I said, much of it is scheduled with love, care for my son, my husband and for my job and staff, but I have to admit that I am not my best when scheduled and I chafe a bit at being so accountable.
I am in need of unstructured, unproductive time to think, mull things over, solve things, puzzle out items, and honestly, to let my mind just wander and pull together random bits in to a cohesive idea or thought. My 3 years of running and long showers helped with this before. Having a busy spouse who was a med student and resident helped too, I was free to roam at will. Now I have this perfect, loving anchor that holds me down a bit more (currently keeps me from running and long showers) and without as much free time everything that I take joy in is still there, but just takes a lot longer to pull together. You also can't "set aside time and schedule" this creative time. Seriously. And it is silly when people recommend that I do just that.
I lament this loss of ease of accomplishing things and the lack of unaccountable time and wonder when I will next have time to get lost in my own mind. And now if I do have that time, will it feel natural or will it feel odd? Am I far enough along in my 'funeral' and mourning process that I am ready to shed some of the old parts of me?
I think I am, I think I am moving along and leaving the past me behind. Sometimes gladly and sometimes resentfully. The fact that I dream about continuing to drive and drive and drive like I used to and wonder where I am going and yet have not done it, is in and of itself I think a moment of me letting me go and in all of the good ways.
Now for finding a way to inspire the creativity that I long for despite this farewell to an unstructured and unaccountable life....
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Feeling Productive
In my every day, I no longer felt productive until recently.
Let me explain (and bear with me).
I love interviewing new graduates for jobs and have them say, "I Love to make a To Do lists and check it off at the end of each day, I find it deeply satisfying" in response to my question about their personal and professional organizational skills.
I myself love To Do lists and make at least 6 a day. A work one, a VIP work one, a "if I only do 3 things today what are the three I HAVE to do", an "if I could stop time and do the work that actually needs to get done" one, a personal one of all the nice things I keep forgetting to do (birthday packages to the post office for my sister's birthday in early Sept and my sister in law's in late August, thank you notes for my wonderful friends who go above and beyond as hosts, notes to friends grieving) and the notorious, "I MUST do tonight or the world will explode" list (with getting gas, diapers, pay the mortgage before it is late, etc... on it). I am, a lover of lists. I got this from my mom who makes similar types of lists and even has one in the car to remind her where she is going and in what order to maximize efficiency. I know my mom and I will die one day and there will be a zillion lists all over and most likely a list of what to do in case of death on some small slip of paper.
Going back to the interview scenario, I am reminded of what life was like when I was in my early career. There were some things to do, short projects, easy to accomplish and focused. I was able to dabble in my personal items and make a To Do list and check it off by the end of the day. Somewhere between my late twenties and my current age (29, I do celebrate it annually), I lost the ability to get through a daily To Do list at work. Due to the volume, politics, intricacies, and being involved in things that I needed to research before I even could come up with possible solutions, it all slowed down. I mean sssloooooooooowwwwddddddd down. My feelings of productivity came to a hault. I now limp through the top 3 things I have to do at work and sqeak out the most urgent of the "My Personal World is Ending" list and usually wind up making a list of all the things I have to do on the weekend with those undo items on it as well. I try to celebrate this sense of forward motion but know that it is a shadow of my former, more productive self.
Why can't I learn? Why can't I slow down? Why can't I have one list with three things on it and just chip away at life day by day? I even started putting on my lists things like "Snuggle Husband" and "Smile to people that cut you off on your long commute" just so I was reminded and also so I could have something to check off and to help me keep my sense of humor about those things I wasn't getting done.
So I am working on what it means to just be and feel productive. At work, home and now with a new babe. Productive is taking on a different standard for me and it isn't too comfortable right now, but I am working on it. SO, because I am ridiculous, I decided that because I am feeling less productive than ever at work, that I would begin to make all organic and homemade baby food. Yes, I added something to a list for both To Do and To Buy and I, a reluctant chef who is not ashamed to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner (I am forever 29, right?) have been making a ton of baby food. Mixed fruits and cereals for breakfast, 3-5 ingredient vegetables for lunch and snack. Seriously, I make better food for the baby than I ever have for my sweet husband. Edemame, peas and apples; dried apricots, banana and peaches; cauliflower, spinach and peas and a personal favorite- blueberry, cherry, prune and apple mix (this one is a stainer!).
It has been so surprising to me. Adding this one thing in to my week's chores has given me more satisfaction and feelings of productivity than I have had since the baby's day of birth (I was pretty damn proud of myself) and in the past 5 years of my job. It combines a sense of care, tending, love, frugality (it is damn cheap) and has a defined start to the effort and an end that is within sight. I seriously love it and thankfully, so does the babe- he will eat anything!
So, after the babe is done with baby food, I will need to assess what it is that I can tackle to continue this sense of success and productivity or else drown myself in a zillion small lists of all of the things that I must do before I can begin to have fun.
Let me explain (and bear with me).
I love interviewing new graduates for jobs and have them say, "I Love to make a To Do lists and check it off at the end of each day, I find it deeply satisfying" in response to my question about their personal and professional organizational skills.
I myself love To Do lists and make at least 6 a day. A work one, a VIP work one, a "if I only do 3 things today what are the three I HAVE to do", an "if I could stop time and do the work that actually needs to get done" one, a personal one of all the nice things I keep forgetting to do (birthday packages to the post office for my sister's birthday in early Sept and my sister in law's in late August, thank you notes for my wonderful friends who go above and beyond as hosts, notes to friends grieving) and the notorious, "I MUST do tonight or the world will explode" list (with getting gas, diapers, pay the mortgage before it is late, etc... on it). I am, a lover of lists. I got this from my mom who makes similar types of lists and even has one in the car to remind her where she is going and in what order to maximize efficiency. I know my mom and I will die one day and there will be a zillion lists all over and most likely a list of what to do in case of death on some small slip of paper.
Going back to the interview scenario, I am reminded of what life was like when I was in my early career. There were some things to do, short projects, easy to accomplish and focused. I was able to dabble in my personal items and make a To Do list and check it off by the end of the day. Somewhere between my late twenties and my current age (29, I do celebrate it annually), I lost the ability to get through a daily To Do list at work. Due to the volume, politics, intricacies, and being involved in things that I needed to research before I even could come up with possible solutions, it all slowed down. I mean sssloooooooooowwwwddddddd down. My feelings of productivity came to a hault. I now limp through the top 3 things I have to do at work and sqeak out the most urgent of the "My Personal World is Ending" list and usually wind up making a list of all the things I have to do on the weekend with those undo items on it as well. I try to celebrate this sense of forward motion but know that it is a shadow of my former, more productive self.
Why can't I learn? Why can't I slow down? Why can't I have one list with three things on it and just chip away at life day by day? I even started putting on my lists things like "Snuggle Husband" and "Smile to people that cut you off on your long commute" just so I was reminded and also so I could have something to check off and to help me keep my sense of humor about those things I wasn't getting done.
So I am working on what it means to just be and feel productive. At work, home and now with a new babe. Productive is taking on a different standard for me and it isn't too comfortable right now, but I am working on it. SO, because I am ridiculous, I decided that because I am feeling less productive than ever at work, that I would begin to make all organic and homemade baby food. Yes, I added something to a list for both To Do and To Buy and I, a reluctant chef who is not ashamed to eat a bowl of cereal for dinner (I am forever 29, right?) have been making a ton of baby food. Mixed fruits and cereals for breakfast, 3-5 ingredient vegetables for lunch and snack. Seriously, I make better food for the baby than I ever have for my sweet husband. Edemame, peas and apples; dried apricots, banana and peaches; cauliflower, spinach and peas and a personal favorite- blueberry, cherry, prune and apple mix (this one is a stainer!).
It has been so surprising to me. Adding this one thing in to my week's chores has given me more satisfaction and feelings of productivity than I have had since the baby's day of birth (I was pretty damn proud of myself) and in the past 5 years of my job. It combines a sense of care, tending, love, frugality (it is damn cheap) and has a defined start to the effort and an end that is within sight. I seriously love it and thankfully, so does the babe- he will eat anything!
So, after the babe is done with baby food, I will need to assess what it is that I can tackle to continue this sense of success and productivity or else drown myself in a zillion small lists of all of the things that I must do before I can begin to have fun.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
To Blog or Not to Blog
To blog or not to blog, that is the question. I actually set up this blog and name in December 2009, and then promptly never did anything with it again. I obviously am a reluctant blogger. BUT I found myself having another conversation with a friend who said, "you really should blog" and I said, "I know, I know". Then I tried to go online to see what the name of my blog could be and low and behold, I already had a blog up and not running. So, here I am..... for the moment.
I guess I come back to this for many reasons, none of them anything special. I want to blog because I enjoy other smart, sassy, thoughtful and thought provoking blogs and would love to include myself in that world. Or I have so much to say and I just can't get it all out. Or I feel like I am funny and don't allow that part of myself out either, so blogging is an outlet of sorts. What I do know is that I am an advice giver and a muller over and on a life quest for contentment (which I am never) for a deeper spiritual life (of which I never give enough time toward), for a simplier life (which I personally complicate with things, baggage and my imagination), professional meaning (in which work always gets in the way) and to build a life with my Dr. husband (whom I love) and my brand new son (whom I am falling in love with). So, maybe I have something to share and maybe even if I just share it with myself, that is enough.
Note to self: post at some points in time about 1. med school survival techniques, 2. professional young women, 3. conservative finances (or maybe that sounds so dull I just want to do myself in), 4. being a new mom, 5. trying to manage my life's clutter to be able to focus on what is important, 6. surving my spouse's near death accident and memory loss as well as 5 years infertility and 7. a top 10 list of joys or funnies
I guess I come back to this for many reasons, none of them anything special. I want to blog because I enjoy other smart, sassy, thoughtful and thought provoking blogs and would love to include myself in that world. Or I have so much to say and I just can't get it all out. Or I feel like I am funny and don't allow that part of myself out either, so blogging is an outlet of sorts. What I do know is that I am an advice giver and a muller over and on a life quest for contentment (which I am never) for a deeper spiritual life (of which I never give enough time toward), for a simplier life (which I personally complicate with things, baggage and my imagination), professional meaning (in which work always gets in the way) and to build a life with my Dr. husband (whom I love) and my brand new son (whom I am falling in love with). So, maybe I have something to share and maybe even if I just share it with myself, that is enough.
Note to self: post at some points in time about 1. med school survival techniques, 2. professional young women, 3. conservative finances (or maybe that sounds so dull I just want to do myself in), 4. being a new mom, 5. trying to manage my life's clutter to be able to focus on what is important, 6. surving my spouse's near death accident and memory loss as well as 5 years infertility and 7. a top 10 list of joys or funnies
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