My friend Katie mentioned to me in a short conversation we had the other day (I on my carpet in my house with my babe, she at the airport enroute to Paris for a vacation with her husband), that she had heard having kids meant there would be a 'funeral of self' and a mourning period as one's life changes. It is funny, she is not a mom herself, but I don't think anyone had said anything so true.
Now, I return to the fact that I love my son and husband in a very DNA embedded way, as if they are a part of me and always have been in in tangible ways, even before I knew them. When I met them both it was just very natural that they belong to me. HOWEVER, I have an independent streak in me the size of an ocean and just as lonely as one and some days the waves of my old life just lap against my current day to day.
I think I feel this most with my daily schedule. Everything is scheduled- when to eat, when to sleep, bowel movements (of the babies of course, but who doesn't ensure they are regular themselves? be honest). The commute start time, time to get the babe to the nanny, time to get to work, when to get coffee and I am not even going in to when there is time to shower and eat. My day is then scheduled in 30 minute increments. Sometimes I leave the office and didn't have time to use the restroom all day. I have to get up from my desk no matter what is going on and leave at 5 p.m. to pick up the babe and start the long journey home. I typically hold a minimum of 2 conference calls from my car a day with my babe in the back seat- working to make the most of my time. My day starts at 5:15 am and ends around 10 pm and about 90% of it is heavily scheduled. Like I said, much of it is scheduled with love, care for my son, my husband and for my job and staff, but I have to admit that I am not my best when scheduled and I chafe a bit at being so accountable.
I am in need of unstructured, unproductive time to think, mull things over, solve things, puzzle out items, and honestly, to let my mind just wander and pull together random bits in to a cohesive idea or thought. My 3 years of running and long showers helped with this before. Having a busy spouse who was a med student and resident helped too, I was free to roam at will. Now I have this perfect, loving anchor that holds me down a bit more (currently keeps me from running and long showers) and without as much free time everything that I take joy in is still there, but just takes a lot longer to pull together. You also can't "set aside time and schedule" this creative time. Seriously. And it is silly when people recommend that I do just that.
I lament this loss of ease of accomplishing things and the lack of unaccountable time and wonder when I will next have time to get lost in my own mind. And now if I do have that time, will it feel natural or will it feel odd? Am I far enough along in my 'funeral' and mourning process that I am ready to shed some of the old parts of me?
I think I am, I think I am moving along and leaving the past me behind. Sometimes gladly and sometimes resentfully. The fact that I dream about continuing to drive and drive and drive like I used to and wonder where I am going and yet have not done it, is in and of itself I think a moment of me letting me go and in all of the good ways.
Now for finding a way to inspire the creativity that I long for despite this farewell to an unstructured and unaccountable life....
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